Of all the sports in all the world, experts agree that baseball is set apart by the number of “unwritten rules” that govern its players. In addition to “actual rules” covering matters from infield flies to ground-rule doubles, baseball players adhere to a nebulous list of bylaws, torts, and stipulations, of which the casual fan is generally unaware. Until someone breaks one. Because then all hell breaks loose. Last night, a rookie White Sox pitcher actually lost his job because he broke rule #1 (what’s rule #1? Read on!)

So if the players can’t even get them straight, what’s a fan to do except scratch their be-capped head? It’s not like you can just go somewhere and read these UNWRITTEN rules. Until now…

That’s right, as a public service, I’m going to write these rules down. You’ll notice I’ve changed my name as to hide my identity. I’ve put myself in grave danger of waking up with the Philly Phanatic’s bloody head in my bed (although from the picture, it looks like he’s pretty well connected). The last thing I want is to be sent to “sleep with the Expos.”

The Unwritten Rules of Baseball (as I understand them)- WRITTEN!
1. If your pitcher hits our guy, we get to hit your guy
This one just makes good sense. We can’t just have people getting popped in the head with 93 mph fastballs all willy-nilly. The impending threat of retaliation maintains the delicate balance, and acts as the metaphorical thin blue line between chaos and order. This one is rule #1 because the penalty for breaking any of the following rules is pretty much always the same: somebody’s gonna get plunked. At which point the opposing team refers back to this rule, setting off a stomach-turning cycle of violence and retribution until the corpses of all the members of one or both teams litter the infeild, or the All-Star break, whichever comes first.

2. No looking at anyone after you hit a homerun
Many is the player who has “gone deep”, glanced the wrong way at the pitcher after doing so, and found himself the mayor of bean-town in his next at-bat. One mustn’t “show up” the pitcher. If one must hit a home run, one must do so demurely, at least until reaching the dugout, at which time one may feel free to engage in a marathon of spastic gestures and twitches to any cameras in the vicinity.

3. If you’re going to bean someone, do it in the back, or the butt.
Not the head. Because, you know, that could murder someone. And, it will let everyone know you’re a big, fat jerk.

4. Don’t spit on the umpires
Funny, you wouldn’t really think that one needed to be written down, would you? It does.

5. If you’re going to do steriods, make sure you hit a lot of home runs
It helps everyone to look the other way.

6. Don’t talk to your pitcher when he’s throwing a no-hitter
I like this one. It’s sort of superstitous, and it makes for really funny shots of a pitcher in the dugout while his team is batting, and everyone else on the team crowded over to one side of the bench like he’s been living on a diet of Taco Bell and whole onions since he got called up from the minors.

7. Don’t try to win by too much
Baseball is also unique in that, moreso than any other game, it ain’t over ’till it’s over. In fact, it is not surprising that this phrase was coined by some comically-named baseballer. With no time limit, it’s possible to come back from any deficit. And yet, everyone gets their jock straps all in a bunch if a team with a sizable lead starts stealing bases and acting all crazy about trying to “score runs”. This rule proves what we all suspected already: even baseball players think baseball games are too long.

8. No bunting to screw up a no-hitter
This is another good one. It sort of falls under a larger category of unwritten rules called “don’t be a dick.” Unless it’s the playoffs, or, you know, a close game that actually matters (and with the current 472-game schedule, how many of those are there?)

9. Players may feel free to eat during the game, so long as said food is a member of the seed family (is there a seed family? Is it more a phyllum, or just classfied as “fetal vegetables”? Not sure).

10. Players chewing tobacco during a game: totally acceptable. Players smoking cigarettes during a game: the most unspeakable form of blasphemy and tantamount to urinating on Babe Ruth’s grave (even though the Babe once went 3-5 with 3 RBI and a homer against the Cubs while simultaneously smoking four cigars and devouring a live goat, all to the frenzied “Attaboy!”s and “Bully for you!”s of his fans).

11. If you must sing a tune in the dugout during a rain delay, it should be “Who’ll Stop the Rain” by Creedence Clearwater Revival, not “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls.

12. If you’re going to bet on baseball, make sure you get a lot of hits in your career. It helps everyone to eventually forgive you after you lie about it for well over a decade and then finally come clean so you can maybe get into the Hall of Fame.

13. No matter who you are, or what your allegiances, this picture is pretty awesome looking.

14. All managers must dress as thought they could run out onto the field and fill in at shortstop at a moment’s notice. Never mind the fact that most managers and coaches appear to be incapable completeing of a leisurely stroll around the warning track without going into cardiac arrest. As a child watching games at Tiger Stadium, the illusion that Sparky could dart out onto the field to help turn a double-play at any time made the games far more exciting.

15. I love Sparky Anderson.

16. What’s that? You don’t think that last one really sounds like a rule? Okay, well here’s another rule I just came up: bite me.

17. Emotional outbursts resulting in tears are strictly prohibited in the major leagues. RIGHT GUYS?! GET IT?! CUZ REMEMBER ?!!

18. Don’t hit and run when the count is 0-2. Come on, that’s just common sense.

I admittedly know very little about baseball. Feel free to tell me what I missed in the comments.

Play ball!