Last year I simulated the Steelers vs. Seahawks Super Bowl Match-Up using the original Nintendo Entertainment System’s Tecmo Super Bowl to predict the champion. True to its perfection, Tecmo successfully hypothesized the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. Last night I simulated the Colts vs. Bears to once again give you the foreknowledge of who will win the Super Bowl this Sunday.

COIN FLIP Colts’ quarterback Jeff George and Bears’ quarterback Jim Airball Harbaugh came out for the toss. Bears win! They choose to receive.

FIRST QUARTER Dean Biasucci kicked off to “That’s right y’all his name is” Johnny Bailey to start the game. Bailey brought it to the Bears’ 30 yard line for the first drive. The Bears run two consecutive sweep plays to the right with RB Neal Anderson and make first down. WR “Mr.” Wendell Davis makes a nice jump catch from Harbaugh for another first down. However, the Colts defense finally wakes up and blitzes Harbaugh, with Fredd Young recording the sack. (Fredd Young being one of several light skinned African Americans the Tecmo programmers coded “white”) The Bears eventually punt to Clarence Verdin, who returns the ball to the Colts’ 25 yard line.

On the Colts opening drive, they twice try to sneak Ivy Joe Hunter through middle of the line, right at Mike Singletary, and fail miserably. It’s 3 and out and they punt to Bailey, who again starts the Bears at their own 30. Neal Anderson decides the Bears need to score before the end of the quarter and runs 70 yards for the touchdown on their first play. Kevin Butler adds the XP and makes it Bears 7, Colts 0. Colts RB Albert Bently manages a 9 yard run before the first quarter expires.

SECOND QUARTER The Colts’ coach must have really layed into the offense between quarters, because Jeff George comes out slinging. He throws a 50 yard bomb to WR Jessie Hester that takes the Colts to the Bears’ 20 yard line. He connects with Hester again to bring the Colts to the 3 yard line. From there, Albert Bently trots in and knots the game at 7-7.

Johnny Bailey, sensing danger from the Colts, responds by returning the kick to the Colts 45. (hah – Colt.45!) The Colts defense, though, stays strong, and on fourth down in Colts territory, the Bears send in Buford to punt. Haven’t the Tecmo coaches realized any ball within the 50 yard line is a makeable FG in this game??? On the ensuing possession, Albert Bently coughs up the football, and Bears CB Lemuel (French for “the mule”) Stinson gobbles it up and takes it to the house! TOUCHDOWN! Bears 14, Colts 7. (Isn’t Google great? I actually found a picture of Lemuel freaking Stinson) The Colts move the ball in the closing moments of the second quarter, but are unable to put points on the board.

HALFTIME Every Tecmo halftime ends with one of the following three images: Cowboy cheerleader, Woman in jog-bra, or gymnast-in-the-air-showing-panty. Which one was it? Guess! The answer is at the bottom.

THIRD QUARTER The Colts come out of halftime ready for business. They start out on their own 40, and Bently moves the ball 20 yards on an unconventional run that didn’t follow his prescribed route. Disaster comes the very next play, as Bently fumbles again! Donnell Woolford recovers – Bears’ ball!

RB Neal Anderson is once again sick and tired of monkeying around with the Colts, and peels off a 40 yard run that takes them into the Colts’ redzone. WR Ron Morris moves them even closer with a nice catch. On third down Colts DB Chris Goode tips a ball in the end zone, forcing the Bears to settle for the FG. Bears 17, Colts 7.

Clarence Verdin, sensing the end is near, breaks off an incredible kick return to the Bears’ 25 yard line. The fans are going nuts – this was just the change in momentum the Colts needed! However, the Bears buckle down. Mark Carrier comes in for the safety blitz on the next play and sacks George. Obviously rattled, George throws an interception to Donnell Woolford on the next snap. Woolly bully! That ends the third quarter.

FOURTH QUARTER The Colts fan are crushed, the Bears are feeling cocky. They try to bust one up the middle with FB Brad Muster. The insanity of Tecmo is revealed as Muster fumbles! Fredd “double-d” Young falls on it – Colts ball!

Here it is – Jeff George’s chance to bring the Colts back and make up for his previous pick. They’re only down 10 and they’re deep in Bears’ territory, you can tell by the markings on the tree trunks (ba-dump-bump!). A quick TD and onside kick and they’re back in business! Instead, on the very first play George throws a pick to LEMUEL “HARRISON” STINSON!!! DA BEARS!!!

The Bears are on their own 10 yard line. Colts’ lineman Big John Hand tries his best to save the game, sacking Harbaugh on the Bears’ 6. But Neal Anderson runs two consecutive plays for 24 and 70 yards – another Bears TD – 24-7!

The Colts get the ball back with 2:30 left in the quarter, which in Tecmo time is about 30 seconds. The Colts coach, fuming at George, orders 6 straight run plays with Fumblerooski Bently. He moves the ball nicely, but down 24-7 you need to be throwing the ball! George finally gets two pass plays, but DL Dan Hampton records two sacks in a row. Facing third and 14, George connects with Jessie Hester in the end zone with 4 seconds left. Bears 24, Colts 14. Bears right guard Tom “deodorant” Thayer recovers the onside kick. BEARS WIN!

Offense:
Colts – 18 plays, 125 rushing yards, 91 passing, 8 first downs
Bears – 14 plays, 222 rushing yards, 36 passing, 5 first downs

Albert Bently – 14 rushes, 125 yards, 1TD
Neal Anderson – 11 rushes, 222 yards, 2TD

Jeff George – 44% completions, 91 yards, 2 INT’s, 1TD
Jim Harbaugh – 42% completions, 36 yards, 0 INT’s, 0TD

Jessie Hester – 4 catches, 91 yards, 1TD
Ron Morris – 1 catch, 17 yards

SUPER BOWL MVP:

Despite Neal Anderson’s amazing rush performance, the MVP is going to none other than LEMUEL STINSON! His fumble recovery TD and timely INT were the true keys to victory for da Bears.

There you have it – the Bears will win the Superbowl on Sunday, according to Tecmo anyway. I hope not – GO COLTS!

Halftime Girl: Woman with Jog-Bra