It’s that time of year again, loyal Squad enthusiasts! Time for the greatest video game in HISTORY, Tecmo Super Bowl, to predict this year’s winner of the actual NFL Super Bowl! Some losers will rely on “new and modern” simulations, what with their fancy current rosters and plethora of play calls. Bah! Tecmo has gone 2-1-1 the past four years predicting the winners! (Yes, last year’s simulation predicted the Steelers and Cards would tie. Given the fact it was so close up until the very end of the game, you could even chart this as another win for Tecmo. Kinda.) So read below, and find out who will win between the Saints and Colts!

The captains for the Colts and Saints met at the 50 yard line for the coin toss, and the Colts won the call. They chose to receive, with NO kicker Morten Andersen pouching one to the 36 yard line and Indy PR Clarence Verdin returning it to the Colts’ 45 yard line.

FIRST QUARTER

Jeff George, mullet mane blowing in the Miami wind, came out firing…but not completing a single pass. Rohn “the ‘H’ is silent” Stark punted through the Saints end zone for a touchback. The New Orleans offense sputtered as well, with a Steve Walsh incompletion, a Craig Heyward (RIP) 3 yard run, and a Colts blitz on third down causing another incompletion. Saints punter Tommy Barnhardt booted a physically impossible 70 yard punt on the fly, pinning the colts on the ten yard line.

Jeff George, rather predictably, came out slinging again, this time finding WR Bill Brooks for 15 yards and a first down. RB Albert Bently, given inflated skills in Tecmo because Eric Dickerson was a contract holdout at the time of production of the video game, ran the ball for another 15 yards and a first down. The Saints defense buckled down as Vaughan Johnson sacked George, leaving a third and long that birthed another punt. (I know, “birthed” was a bit of a stretch.) The Saints ended the first quarter with a Heyward rush that moved the chains. SCORE: 0-0

SECOND QUARTER

The Saints, much like their 2010 counterparts, started pulling out the trick plays and called for the flee-flicker. Too bad Indy LB Duane Bickett came screaming through the o-line for a sack. On the very next play QB Steve Walsh found RB Dalton Hilliard underneath for a 25 yard play after the catch. Now at midfield, the Saints went for the flee-flicker again, and this time Walsh hit WR Brett Perriman who made it down to the 5 yard line. Two Hillard runs later (really Saints? You’re not giving your goal line carries to IRON HEAD Heyward???) and the Saints were on the board! Saints 7, Colts 0.

After the kickoff the Colts changed gears. Bently scampered for successive runs of 20, 7 and 7 yards, moving the ball past the 50 yard line and gaining two first downs. The Colts called timeout with 1:59 remaining. George then connected with WR Jesse Hester all the way to the 2 yard line. After another timeout, the Colts hand the ball to the coolest name in the Tecmo game (and that’s saying something), Ivy Joe Hunter, who pounds into the endzone. Saints 7 – Colts 7!

The timeout call, however, would become controversial. With 1:22 left in the half, Saints KR Gil Fennerty (jankypants is pumping his fist right now) returns the kick past the 50 yard line into Colts’ territory. Failing on their next two plays, Steve Walsh once again finds WR Perriman wide open. He makes it all the way to the 4 yard line. The play clock mysteriously stops while computer Saints coach scrolls through the menu bar to call a timeout. 1 second hangs on the clock for what must have been 5 actual seconds, and the Saints get their TO. Mort boots a gimme off the left goal post, but the kick is good as time expires. The Colts fans scream in anger as the halftime show starts. Saints 10, Colts 7.

HALF TIME SHOW! Every Tecmo halftime sequence ends with either the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, the majorette/panty flash girl, or the jog bra girl. Which one was it? The answer is at the end of the post!

THIRD QUARTER

The Colts defense was fired up starting the second half, as they held the Saints to a three and out. Barnhardt had another 70 yard punt, again pinning the Colts deep in their own territory. Then Ivy Joe took control. He had a thirty yard catch and then another catch for 10 yards. RB Bently followed with a first down run that put Indy into the Saints half of the field. Jesse Hester ended up dropping a wide open pass from George on third down, giving Dean “Beee-atch” Biasucci a 45+ field goal try. He pushed it wide and the Colts momentum grinded to a halt.

Hillard gained 3 yard for NO, followed by an incomplete pass by Walsh. Hilliard ran the ball again on third and long, and after the chains came out to measure the attempt (seriously, the little Tecmo refs ran them out there!), first down was awarded. The Colts forced another third down on the subsequent sequence, ending the third quarter with the score still close, Saints 10 – Colts 7.

FOURTH QUARTER

Facing third and long at midfield, the Saints went back to their old stand-by: FLEE FLICKER! This time WR Eric Martin came up with the grab for a 20 yard strike. The Saints were on the 20 yard line when they once again went the trick play route. Saints QB Steve Walsh tucked the ball in on a busted pass play and ran all the way to the endzone for a rushing touchdown! Saints 17, Colts 7.

Time was wasting away for the Colts, but Mort gave them another chance on yet another poor kickoff. KR Verdin brought it back to the 50 yard line. Jeff George looked at his men in the next huddle, and saw only one pair of eyes with the kind of confidence he was looking for. From the shotgun, George hurled the football 15 yards down field, into double coverage, to…IVY JOE HUNTER!!! AND HE CAUGHT IT!!! This got the rest of the Colts fired up, as George chucked it up once again, finding WR Bill Brooks, who scampered down to the 7 yard line. The Colts called TO with 2:38 left. The very next play was an easy TD strike to WR Jesse Hester, who hung onto the ball this time. Saints 17 – Colts 14, with 2:28 left to play, more than enough time for a proper miracle to occur.

Colts K Beee-atchsuckey whiffed on the onside kick (you could tell because there was just a sliver of blue past the red on the kicker power bar) giving the Saints the ball with great field position. After two run plays and two final timeouts from the Colts, the Saints faced third down and 2 yards with 1:47 remaining. Could the Colts force the punt and give Jeff George one more shot???

The answer is…NO! Craig &#@!-in IRON HEAD Heyward crashed through the Colts-D for a back-breaking first down. Everyone in Tecmo Stadium knew he was getting the ball, and he didn’t disappoint. The Saints ran the ball again, this time down around the Colts’ 25 yard line. All they had to do was run the ball a couple of more times, and the game was theirs.

If you don’t know Tecmo history and/or Saints sabotage by now, though, you really should. OFCOURSE that’s not what happened! Instead, Walsh threw the ball (!!!) with 1:01 left to play, hitting his favorite target WR Perriman for the no-class touchdown, Saints 24, Colts 14. The Saints special teams then tackled Verdin after the KO at the 11 yard line. Ivy Joe made one last haul for 10 yards but didn’t get out of bounds. Jeff George gave up and handed the ball off to Bently to end the game.

Final Score: Saints 24, Colts 14.

The Colts had 10 rushes for 59 yards, 157 passing yards, and 10 first downs. The Saints had 15 rushes for 68 yards, 168 passing yards, and 7 first downs.

Albert Bently was the Colts’ leading rusher, with 58 yards. Hilliard led the Saints with 28. Ivy Joe had four catches for 67 yards and Perriman led the Saints receiving attack with 103 yards.

MVP:

Steve Walsh. No doubt. The 20 yard TD run and the shady TD throw late put most of the nails in the Colts’ coffin.

There you have it folks – your Super Bowl winner will be the Saints! Of course, the only time our simulation has been wrong so far was when Tecmo said the Bears would beat the…COLTS!

DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh!!!!!!!

(Halftime girl – Cowboy Cheerleader)

And one final note. This past season, over 20 years since Tecmo Super Bowl was released, we still had TWO PLAYERS FROM THE ORIGINAL GAME PLAY IN THE NFL! Senior Junior Seau and Jeff Feagles. Unbelievable…