There’s a big game happening this week. No not the Super Bowl. Of course its the annual airing of the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.

Mark and I draft our favorite puppy players for our Fantasy Puppy Bowl Teams out of the starting lineups for this year’s Puppy Bowl. Granted, we’ve never watched a minute of Puppy Bowl, but how hard could it be to pick some puppies out of a lineup anyway:

MV: With the first pick in the 2010 Fantasy Puppy Bowl Draft, the Ravenswood Rottweilers select:
DZ: Well its a tough choice
DZ: this pick is obviously going to make or break my team
DZ: I’m going to go with Fava, #14

DZ: He’s a cattle dog mix, which sounds rugged
DZ: he’s also pretty old, 16 weeks
DZ: that means he probably knows how to kill by now
MV: Wait, isn’t 14 Garbanzo? Are you trying to substitute bean names for this dog on purpose to confuse me?
DZ: hah youre right Fava is #13
MV: I am onto you. So do you want Brett Fava or Garbanzo?
DZ: I want Brett Fava
DZ: but don’t think Garbanzo isn’t on my list
MV: Very well. Off to a rip-roaring start. I would add that I had Fava a little farther down on my draft board, but I think it’s a good selection based on his Yoda ears.
DZ: he has the eyes of a killer.
MV: With the second pick, the Logan Square Labradors select:

MV: #4 Bear, the English Springer Spaniel/Border Collie Mix
DZ: oh unexpected
MV: Bear is named after Chicago’s NFL franchise, and is also horrifically cute.
DZ: I wouldn’t be real proud of being named after the Bears this year, just sayin
MV: Good point. But he’s a DOG and his name is BEAR. Am I blowing your mind?
DZ: valid point. ROUND TWO
DZ: Ravenswood Rottweilers select…
DZ: Garbanzo

MV: A-HA
MV: Tipped your hand a little early, but you get away with it.
DZ: You may notice i’m building a base of black dogs
MV: Isn’t that a bit racialist?
DZ: I’m here to win, not make friends
MV: I’m here to win, with man’s BEST friend!
DZ: HEY OH
MV: HOO-AH!
MV: The Logan Square Labrador’s second selection is:

MV: #18, Kiva! The Alaskan Malamute.
DZ: strong choice
MV: Kiva looks very friendly and playful, and he is black AND white. Yes we can! Rub Kiva’s belly!
DZ: you know the sport of Puppy Football only recently came to Alaska
MV: I did not know that.
DZ: could be a disadvantage as Kiva is obviously new to the game. New to life, really
MV: Wait, so with the Alaskan angle, he’s really like Obama and Palin combined. He is all things to all people.
DZ: I can see Pupperoni from my house
MV: Of course you can.
DZ: ROUND THREE


DZ: I choose Bandit, #2. He’s a border collie mix
DZ: also, he’s got a batman mask
MV: Nice pick. Also, Bandit is a position in football that is employed by some defenses that are coached by idiots (notably John L. Smith at Michigan State).
MV: Anyway, via con dios, el bandito.
DZ: We have no comment on the matter
MV: Probably because that sentence was barely in English. THIRD PICK:

MV: #12 Eenu, the Golden Retriever/Rottweiler!!
DZ: That is a hell of a mixed breed
MV: See how Eenu gets right up in your face? He’s all “What’s up? We Puppy Bowlin’ or not?” Eenu is an intimidator. He also drinks from the toilet.
DZ: it would explain his breath. ROUND FOUR
DZ: I’m going to go with an underdog here, pun intended.

DZ: #20 Naomi
DZ: Couple of reasons. 1) i think its part Jackal. Terrifying dog.
DZ: 2) Naomi has a lot of other girl-dog friends that the rest of my team want to get on, I’m a real team player
DZ: AFTER THE GAME, of course
DZ: I swear if I see any humping mid-game I’ll bench every one of these damn dogs
MV: She’s a a good looking bitch.
MV: NEXT PICK

MV: #6 Carson, the German Shepherd mix.
MV: Look at that posture!
MV: The attentiveness!
DZ: 11 weeks is kinda young, no? aren’t you worried about Carson’s social skills?
MV: Carson entered the draft early because it was clear that he was wasting his talent playing Collegiate Puppy Football.
DZ: Do you have a statement about the allegations raised against your recruiting methods?
MV: We run a clean program here at Logan Square. The reports of boosters handing out bacon and tennis balls to potential recruits is totally false.
DZ: That works for me. I don’t buy the rumors that you get all your bench players from Puppy Football Mills either.
DZ: ROUND FIVE
MV: GO

DZ: I’m going to take #15, Jake. He’s short but he’s obviously got a huge dog penis.
MV: WOW
DZ: Its possible he’s one of the ugliest puppies i’ve ever seen
DZ: which is like saying its the least attractive supermodel
MV: Not an attractive puppy, but not shy, either.
DZ: Breathing might be an issue after a minute of gameplay but I think his quickness can make up for it.
MV: He’s going to need a whole box of breathe-right strips
MV: NEXT PICK

MV: #11 Duncan the Beagle
DZ: Analysts expected the Beagle to go in the first couple of rounds
MV: Duncan really helped himself with his performance at the puppy combine. His walking around in a circle on his bed before laying down time was 4.4 seconds.
DZ: haha WOW that is impressive
DZ: ROUND SIX
DZ: This is a tough spot to be in
DZ: the talent pool is dwindling
DZ: we’ll take #7 Chamomile

MV: I see. Yes, could be a late-round sleeper.
DZ: not the most intimidating name, but he (she?) is calm and collected on the front line, soemthing we desperately need. We’ve had a lot of false start penalties last year
MV: Is it me or does Chamomile look like he’s really disappointed in you? STOP JUDGING ME, CHAMOMILE! AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT GENDER I AM!
MV: Next pick- #16 Jersey Boy, a Maltese/Yorkshire Terrier Mix

DZ: You’re just hopping on the Jersey Shore bandwagon
MV: Jersey Boy is fluffy as hell, and that’s a need our team really wanted to address this season.
MV: LAST ROUND
DZ: I guess its time to take a kicker, which I’m going to do – #17 Jumby.

DZ: I’m not normally a fan of the Pomeranian’s
DZ: but according to the video, they were one of the only dogs to survive the Titanic and the name Jumby is flat-out adorable and hilarious.
MV: last pick!
DZ: its tough down here
MV: #1 Addison, a Maltese/Yorkshire Terrier Mix out of USC (University of Scruffy Dogs)

DZ: ooh interesting choice. why don’t you walk me through why you decided Addison as your closing pick
MV: Addison comes from a powerhouse college program, and is also hypo-allergenic. It’s a no-lose situation.
DZ: Surprised not to see a labradoodle in the list of available starters today?
MV: The Labradoodle class did not have the quality depth that we’ve seen entering previous drafts. Plus it’s just a really stupid name for a dog.
DZ: Sounds like an easter candy
MV: Any predictions for the game?
DZ: Well its hard to say, considering i’ve never actually watched on Mark
DZ: As always, I’m hoping for a strong game
MV: Yes, it does seem odd that the two coaches/GMs have never seen the game that they’ll be playing…
DZ: you know, we got called up to the big leagues because of our success with the Bud Bowl predictions from years past
DZ: And the puppies can be very distracted by the hamster-blimps and kitty halftime shows, lets hope my team can focus and get some points on the board early
MV: Yes. Once we figure out exactly how that’s done, my team would also like to score points.
MV: And now, I’d like you to give me your best football/dog pun.
DZ: Well I’m going to have to say that I hope we don’t have a lot of adorable turnovers
DZ: football dog puns are hard
MV: They really are…
DZ: I still don’t think I’ll watch the puppy bowl, but I know my team will do well
MV: Everyone’s a winner when it comes to puppies. Except cats.
DZ: Particularly cats
MV: OH OH I’ve got one
MV: We really need to get the ball to our Wide Retrievers
DZ: hah success
DZ: All of these dogs are adopted from shelters. How many from Vick’s house, you think?
DZ: (dear Letterman, I’m available!)
MV: I was JUST going to go there…
MV: PUPPY BOWL HALL OF FAME:
This year’s inductees are: Terrier Bradshaw (QB), Chris Colliesworth (WR), Owen Spaniels (TE), Jeff Beagles (K), St. Bernard Berrian (WR), Ron Great Dane (RB)
DZ: OH MAN
MV: One things’ for sure, I think we’re going to see a lot of flea-flickers in this game
MV: Chowie Long (DE)
MV: And of course, Lito Shepherd (CB)